by Darrin Pfannenstiel, J.D., M.Ed., LPC-A | Therapist for Professionals, Executives, and Business Owners

 Navigating the landscape of dating and relationships can often feel akin to traversing a bewildering labyrinth. Many of us find ourselves ensnared in a pattern of relationships that share a recurring motif: we consistently fall for the 'wrong' person. This cyclical narrative can be intensely frustrating, leading us to question our judgment and decision-making capabilities. But why do we repeatedly find ourselves in the arms of partners who aren't right for us? The answer lies in the intricate realm of psychology.

To untangle this conundrum, let's delve deeper into the psychological factors influencing our dating patterns and choices.

1. The Comfort of Familiarity and Its Illusions

Our first lessons about love, affection, conflict, and resolution are deeply rooted in our childhood. Our primary caregivers, usually our parents, shape our initial blueprint of what relationships look like. This blueprint isn't merely academic or theoretical; it's emotional, almost instinctual, and it significantly influences our adult romantic relationships.

Suppose one's childhood was marked by an emotionally distant or neglectful parent. In that case, they might unconsciously seek out similar characteristics in their partners. Despite these traits often leading to unsatisfying or painful relationships, they evoke a sense of familiarity and comfort. It aligns with our earliest understanding of love and intimacy, even if that understanding is skewed.

In this sense, the 'wrong' person might not feel wrong at all. Instead, they feel familiar, resonating with deep-seated notions of love embedded within us since childhood. Recognizing this pattern is the first step towards changing our dating habits and seeking healthier relationships.

2. Emotional Baggage and Repetition Compulsion

Closely intertwined with the comfort of familiarity is the concept of 'repetition compulsion,' a term coined by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud. Repetition compulsion is our unconscious desire to resolve or heal past emotional wounds by recreating similar scenarios or engaging with similar individuals in our adulthood.

For instance, someone who felt unimportant or overlooked in their childhood might repeatedly choose partners who don't prioritize them. The unconscious hope here is that they can change the outcome this time around, proving their worth or significance to their partner, thereby resolving their past trauma. Unfortunately, this cycle often perpetuates emotional pain, causing repeated heartbreak.

Unraveling and healing these emotional knots often requires professional assistance from therapists or counselors. It's essential to understand that there's no shame in seeking help to improve our emotional wellbeing and relationship health.

3. The Role of Self-Esteem and Feelings of Worthiness

Our perception of ourselves significantly influences our romantic choices. Individuals with low self-esteem often feel they're unworthy of happiness, contentment, or healthy love. They may unconsciously select partners who reinforce these negative self-perceptions.

If one sees themselves as undeserving, they might consistently choose partners who are critical, neglectful, or unfaithful. These behaviors align with their negative self-image and perpetuate the belief that they're not worthy of respect or genuine affection.

Improving self-esteem is often a long journey, requiring introspection and conscious effort. Developing a healthier sense of self-worth can be transformative, not just for our relationships but for our overall quality of life. 

4. Fear of Vulnerability and Its Defenses

Past hurts can often give birth to a deep-seated fear of emotional vulnerability. To guard themselves against potential heartbreak, individuals might consistently choose partners who are emotionally unavailable or unwilling to commit to a long-term relationship.

While this might provide a semblance of emotional security in the short run, it prevents the formation of deep, meaningful connections and perpetuates the cycle of unfulfilling relationships. Overcoming the fear of vulnerability involves building emotional resilience and often requires professional support.

5. The Attraction to Potential, Not Reality

Many people find themselves falling in love with what their partner could be, not who they are. They're captivated by a vision of the future where their partner has overcome their flaws or abandoned their bad habits, leading to a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Unfortunately, banking on potential rather than reality is often a recipe for disappointment. Change is a deeply personal journey and can't be guaranteed or enforced from the outside. Recognizing this can help us make more grounded, realistic choices in our partners.

The Path Forward: Healing and Growth 

Recognizing that we consistently choose the wrong partners can be a challenging and even painful realization. However, it's also an opportunity for profound personal growth and transformation. Understanding the patterns is the first step; the next involves active change. Here are a few ways to break these patterns and cultivate healthier, more satisfying relationships. 

Personal Reflection and Self-Awareness

Begin by reflecting on your past relationships. Look for recurring patterns or characteristics in your previous partners. Were they emotionally unavailable? Did they prioritize you? What aspects attracted you to them initially, and how did these change over time?

Your reflections can offer valuable insights into your unconscious patterns. However, remember to approach this process with self-compassion. It's not about blaming yourself but understanding your patterns to initiate positive changes.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is critical in any relationship. Boundaries communicate what behavior you will accept from others and what you won't. If you've often found yourself in relationships where you feel undervalued or disrespected, consider what boundaries could have been implemented to prevent such treatment.

Seeking Therapy: The Gestalt and Bowen Family Systems Approach

Professional guidance can be immensely valuable in comprehending and altering your dating patterns. Therapists create a secure, non-judgmental space to delve into your emotions, apprehensions, and behavioral patterns. They guide you through the process of exploring your past, mending old wounds, and fostering healthier relationship habits.

Gestalt Therapy

In the context of dating, Gestalt therapy can be particularly effective. Gestalt therapy focuses on self-awareness and the 'here and now.' It encourages you to experience your feelings fully and understand your behaviors in the present moment, instead of getting entangled in past patterns or future anxieties.

Through exercises and experiential techniques, Gestalt therapy helps you identify the negative patterns you're enacting in your relationships and how you can change them. It promotes personal responsibility and emphasizes the fact that you have the power to control your behaviors and reactions. By integrating your thoughts, feelings, and actions, you can make more conscious choices in your relationships.

Bowen Family Systems Therapy

Bowen Family Systems Therapy offers another rich therapeutic approach. This therapy emphasizes the role our family system plays in shaping our behaviors and choices. Our family of origin is our first social group, and it significantly impacts our views on relationships, love, and conflict.

Through exploring your family history, you can begin to understand the intergenerational patterns that might be influencing your choice of partners. Perhaps you are unconsciously mirroring the relationship dynamics of your parents, or maybe you are reacting against them. Understanding these patterns can provide valuable insights into why you may be consistently choosing the 'wrong' partner.

Moreover, Bowen therapy encourages differentiation of self, which means being able to separate your feelings from those of your family. This skill can help you make decisions based on what is truly right for you, rather than being influenced by your family's expectations or unresolved emotional issues.

Self-Care and Self-Love

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, cultivate a deep sense of self-care and self-love. Improving self-esteem is crucial to breaking unhealthy relationship patterns. Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who reinforce positive self-beliefs.

Remember, it's okay to be single and take time for self-improvement. In fact, it can be a profound act of self-love to choose to be alone rather than in an unsatisfying or harmful relationship.

Breaking free from the cycle of choosing the “wrong' person” is not an overnight process. It requires time, patience, and commitment. However, with self-awareness and effort, you can make healthier decisions that lead to more fulfilling and satisfying relationships. You deserve nothing less.