by Darrin Pfannenstiel, J.D., M.Ed., LPC-A | Therapist specializing in Stress Management, Relationship Counseling, and Integrative Sex Therapy

Welcome again to my professional therapy blog where I explore different facets of wellbeing. Today, I'm pulling back the curtain on a topic that, while crucial to our overall health, often remains hushed in conversation. It’s about sexuality, more specifically, the intricate dance it performs with another universal human experience: stress.

While I specialize in anxiety and stress, many people don’t know I’m also completing my sex therapy certification to help clients struggling with sexual issues. It’s often a topic that comes up when working with both individuals and couples since a significant amount of my work with professional clients involves relationship problems – in particular, couples counseling.

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Have you ever noticed that during periods of high stress, your desire for intimacy might take a nosedive, or perhaps in some cases, spike unusually? Our sexuality and stress levels are not isolated experiences. They are deeply interwoven in a complex choreography that impacts our wellbeing significantly.

Let me take you back to a time in my own life. Without going into too much detail, I was under immense work stress with addition of a new CEO which meant new leadership and the possibility of job cuts at my company. This meant that I spent a lot of time on edge worried about losing my position or having to let people from my team go. I spent significant nights worrying and ruminating about my future — even having irrational thoughts that I would be homeless! That’s what stress and anxiety do when we don’t have the coping skills to effectively manage them.

However, beyond normal stress and anxiety, I also noticed that this started taking a toll on my intimate life. It was like my body was echoing the chaos in my mind, making it hard to find or even sustain the desire for intimacy. But you should know that for others, your experience could be the opposite -- using sex as an escape or a way to seek temporary relief from their stressful situations. And that’s ok.

This phenomenon is backed by science. Chronic stress triggers the release of cortisol, often called the “stress hormone.” High levels of cortisol can lead to a decreased libido, as our bodies are effectively in a “fight or flight” mode rather than a rest and relaxed one. Alternatively, the rush of endorphins during sexual activity can provide temporary relief from stress, which might explain why some people seek out sex when they're feeling anxious or stressed. And that’s one reason people have sex – for pleasure, for connection, and for stress release. But when it’s the only coping mechanism we have, it can cause problems.

So, how does this influence our overall wellbeing? The relationship between sex and stress can become a vicious cycle. When our sexual health is affected by stress, it can lead to feelings of frustration, inadequacy, or guilt. This, in turn, can generate more stress, further exacerbating the situation.

It's not all doom and gloom, though. There's hope, and it comes in the form of a specialized area of therapy called sex therapy that I mentioned above.

Sex therapy is a specialized type of psychotherapy — a general term for treating mental health problems by talking with a mental health professional. It focuses on the sexual aspects of our health, exploring issues such as low libido, performance anxiety, sexual trauma, and more.

I want to take a moment here to emphasize the importance of professionalism and discretion in this area. As with any therapy, sex therapy involves discussing intimate details about your life. A reputable sex therapist will always prioritize your comfort, safety, and privacy, fostering an environment in which you feel safe to explore and express your concerns. And I recommend you seek a “certified sex therapist.”  A sex therapist is “regular therapist” who also has additional education and training specifically in matters involving sex – in my case, I have an additional 90 hours of education solely focused on sexual issues -- beyond the 60 graduate hours I had to take to become a “regular” therapist.

Personally, I believe it's crucial to find someone who is qualified. Many therapists say they do “sex therapy” but if you ask them whether they are certified or inquire further about their training, you may find that they are not “certified” or they may not be “sex positive.”  I believe it’s important to break down the stigmas surrounding therapies and ensure that we seek help when needed.

Whether you're dealing with stress-related sexual issues, grappling with feelings of sexual inadequacy, or simply want to better understand your sexual desires and needs, a sex therapist can provide valuable insights and coping mechanisms.

As we wrap up, I want to leave you with a thought. Our sexual wellbeing is a vital part of our overall health and happiness. It deserves as much care, attention, and respect as any other aspect of our lives. In the interplay of sex and stress, remember to listen to your body and mind, understand their signals, and seek professional help when needed.

In our journey of life, let's strive for complete wellbeing, where each aspect of our health is nurtured and cared for. No component, including our sexual health, should be neglected or brushed under the carpet. Let's break the silence and start these important conversations.

Thanks for joining me today. Remember, it's not just about surviving, it's about thriving in every aspect of our lives, including our sexuality.

Until next time,

Darrin