Healing from Heartbreak: Self-Care Strategies for Surviving Infidelity

by Darrin Pfannenstiel, J.D., M.Ed., LPC-A | Therapist - Men, Women, and Couples

Finding out about infidelity – whether the affair was physical or emotional -- can be one of the most agonizing experiences a human being can go through. Discovering that the person you loved and gave your heart to – the one you trusted -- has betrayed you, can feel like an unbearable wound. And it’s serious. Not only can it destroy your relationship, but it can also alter your perspective on your future, past, and even yourself.  

Surviving infidelity takes time, patience, and a willingness to confront the hurt and heartache head-on. Infidelity cannot be brushed under the rug or ignored. Whether you stay together or whether you call it quits, the bottom line is that you’re going to have to face the pain and learn to process it so that it doesn’t eat you alive and make you bitter in the end.

Surviving Infidelity Is Possible

Many people believe that surviving infidelity is impossible, and that once trust is broken, it can never be restored. However, most people who believe this have never experienced it themselves directly. They typically witness its effects because it happened elsewhere in their family, or they know a friend’s or stranger’s story. They see the pain caused by the affair and believe that the sole solution must be to leave. Unfortunately, this leads to even more shame and guilt because of a false self-belief that if you stay, you’re either being a fool or will be made one if it happens again if you don’t leave the first time. Also, there’s a familiar mantra in our society that is often summed up as, “Once a cheater. Always a cheater.” But these kinds of cultural messages and self-narratives often rob a couple of the support necessary to survive infidelity.

It's Normal to Want to Remain Together After Infidelity

It is completely normal to want to stay together after infidelity, despite divorce being common and easy. In fact, about 70% of couples go on to survive infidelity. Now this doesn’t mean that you should simply ignore the problem – turn a blind eye to what happened. To the contrary, there’s still work that needs to be done. Important work that, in many instances, could make the relationship stronger in the end even if it feels right now that all you want is justice.

How to Begin the Process of Surviving Infidelity – Some Strategies

Surviving infidelity is not only about coping and dealing with the pain of the affair, but also about discovering the meaning behind it. It is highly likely you’re going to need professional counseling with a therapist trained in dealing with the trauma of affairs and how to recovery from them.  Until then, here are some strategies you can take to begin the healing process and/or to prepare yourself for therapy.

Strategy # 1 Practice mindfulness

Being present with yourself may seem like the very last thing you want to do when you’re in pain, but it’s actually one of the best. Why?  Because when you turn away from yourself by avoiding your feelings, think about what message you’re giving yourself. In short, you’re sending yourself the message that your feelings don’t matter and don’t need tending to. When we’re in emotional pain – just like physical pain – it’s a sign that we need healing or are in the process of it. Like physical pain, it signals to us that something needs our attention. That’s where mindfulness can actually help.

Mindfulness can help you stay present and connected to your emotions, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. Consider trying meditation, yoga, or simply taking deep breaths to help you stay grounded. You don’t have to focus on the affair or torture yourself by wallowing in pain. Rather, just feel and be present with yourself but motivated 100% by self-care and compassion.

Strategy # 2           Prioritize rest and relaxation.

Surviving infidelity can be emotionally and mentally exhausting, so it's important to prioritize rest and relaxation. This may include taking a nap, soaking in a bath, or simply taking some time to read or watch a movie. Other things could include taking a class to keep your mind engaged, play music, journal, or do something otherwise creative.

But, keep an eye on how much you’re sleeping or using “relaxation” to avoid being around others or enjoying the things you used to enjoy. That is not relaxation. Those are some signs of depression.

Strategy # 3           Engage in physical activity.

Exercise can be a powerful stress reliever and mood booster. Consider going for a walk, trying a new workout class, or participating in a sport or hobby you enjoy.

If you can, especially try to get outdoors around trees. Here’s why:

There are chemicals in trees that acts like an antidepressant, and they are calleds phytoncides. They are a group of airborne chemicals that are produced by plants, including trees, to protect themselves from insects and other harmful organisms. When humans breathe in these chemicals, they have been found to lower levels of stress hormones and boost the immune system, leading to a range of health benefits, including a reduction in anxiety and depression. 

Strategy # 4           Connect with others.

Infidelity can be isolating, but connecting with others can provide you with much-needed support and perspective. Consider spending time with friends or family, or seeking out a support group for people who have experienced infidelity.

But here’s the important part.  Be careful about who “owns” the story of the affair.

It will be very tempting to want to make the partner who stepped outside the relationship into the villain – no questions asked.  And I get that. You’re hurting and feel he or she should pay for what they did, but in the end, you’ll only make recovery from the affair more difficult. Ultimately, it will only come back later to bite you.

As much as you want, confiding in others does not mean that you bring all your friends and family into the arena for a battle of the gladiators, nor is it appropriate to tell your children about it – even if they are adults.

Strategy # 5           Nourish your body.

Eating a balanced diet and staying hydrated can help you feel better physically and emotionally. Now is the time to take care of yourself as though you are recovering from surgery. Why? Because you’re hurting and you need to stay healthy to heal. Many times, in an odd twist, when people have been betrayed, they re-direct some of the anger back toward themselves, and they do this by not eating well or giving up exercise.

A large part of this is really their depression or self-pity doing the talking and running the ship. Avoid the temptation to do that. Instead, take care of yourself using compassion, not self-pity.

Seeking Counseling

If you're struggling to survive infidelity, know that you're not alone. Seeking professional counseling can be incredibly helpful in the healing process.

Remember, surviving infidelity is not just about ending the pain, but also about discovering the meaning behind it and potentially building a stronger relationship.

If you need help, I specialize in infidelity and relationship issues. I’d like to help you navigate this difficult time and guide you towards a path of healing and growth.

Darrin Pfannenstiel is an attorney-turned-therapist serving men, women, and couples in the Dallas area and online.

He has practiced Buddhist meditation and mindfulness for over 25 years — having formerly taught at a Buddhist center when he lived in Austin.

Darrin offers a unique blend of skills and experience in couples therapy. Not only is he Level 2 trained in Gottman Couples Therapy, he is also completing his certification in sex therapy from an AASECT-approved program. Because he is also a certified family law mediator, he likes to use skills from relational mediation in his couples work.

As a writer, Darrin aims to share practical strategies and insights to help readers improve their mental health and live a fulfilling life.

Contact him today to request an appointment.