Reconnecting on Valentine's Day: Nurturing Love Amidst Relationship struggles

by Darrin Pfannenstiel, J.D., M.Ed. | Attorney and Therapist Specializing in Personal Growth and Relationships | Serving the DFW Metroplex and Texas

Valentine's Day is often portrayed as a day of love, romance, and blissful connections. However, for couples experiencing relationship strife, this holiday can feel like a painful reminder of their struggles. Whether you're facing communication issues, trust issues, or conflicts that seem insurmountable, it's important to remember that Valentine's Day can still be a meaningful opportunity to nurture your connection and rediscover the love that brought you together in the first place. But to do this requires effort and a willingness to be open, just for one day, to put aside your relationship problems. Here’s how.

Acknowledge Your Struggles

Before diving into Valentine's Day celebrations, have a short conversation with one another where you agree to simply acknowledge and validate that the two of you are facing challenges as a couple. You don’t need to talk about the challenges — in fact, it’s probably best not to get into them. Instead, just acknowledge that “some challenges exist” and that you’ll get through them. Remind one another that it's okay to feel disconnected or uncertain about the future of your relationship, but that you want to put those things aside for just one night and try to have a simple night (or day) together doing something you enjoy even if it doesn’t end with romance or sex.

In short, my point is that before you even celebrate, begin by acknowledging that some struggles exist, but that you’d like to try to put them aside and just have a day of peace with one another. In doing this, you create a safe space for open communication and vulnerability, laying the foundation for healing and reconciliation in the days, weeks, or months ahead.

Shift Your Perspective

Decide ahead of time between the two of you what a successful Valentine’s Day would be for you and make that your goal. Instead of viewing Valentine's Day as a pressure-filled occasion to prove your love with grand gestures, consider reframing it as an opportunity to reconnect on a deeper level. Shift your focus from external expectations to internal intentions, and prioritize meaningful moments of connection over materialistic displays of affection.

Often, because so much cultural importance is placed on Valentine’s Day, couples have lofty and unrealistic expectations about how the day should be celebrated — the it needs to be larger-than-life with expensive dinners and dozens of roses. Yet, don’t we all know that the best things in life are often the most simple? Life’s greatest moments aren’t usually large. If you think about it, they’re actually the little things — that little gesture here and there, or that one small thing said to us that the other person maybe did not even realize they said or did. In other words, don’t get caught up in the hype. Resist the temptation to make your celebration something you need to post on social media or share with others.

Plan a Meaningful Activity Together

Rather than adhering to traditional Valentine's Day rituals, brainstorm activities that resonate with both of you and reflect your shared interests and values. Whether it's volunteering at a local charity, taking a quiet nature walk together, or cooking a meal together, choose an activity that fosters connection and mutual enjoyment. Notice that a shared activity is what’s key here. In this way, you’re spending shared time together without feeling the need to have an intense conversation or interaction, especially if your relationship is struggling. This also teaches you that you can both remain connected even when you’re not communicating verbally by simply being together in a shared space and working on an activity together. Of course, you can talk, but if things are strained such that it could devolve into a fight or the overall strife in the relationship is too tense, then just be quiet and spend time in one another’s presence with an attitude of effort and openness and not keeping score. Stop paying attention to what your partner is doing or not doing and focus on what you’re contributing or not contributing to the dynamic.

And put your cell phones completely away. Don’t have them out where you can see them. We all know that when they’re anywhere that we can see them, our mind is not totally present with our partner.

Practice Active Listening and Empathy when communicating

Use Valentine's Day as an opportunity to practice active listening and empathy in your relationship. Active listening means that you’re listening to understand, not to respond. Take this opportunity to learn how to engage in a conversation, express your feelings, and truly listen to your partner's perspective without judgment or defensiveness. Validate each other's emotions and experiences, and make a conscious effort to understand each other's needs and concerns.

One thing I work on most with couples when I counsel them is getting them to understand that they don’t need to respond to everything their partner says. Instead, the first step they need to learn is to pay attention to any physical sensations or emotions arising within themselves when their partner is speaking.

Often, when others speak to us, we do one of two things: 1) We either feel the need to fix or solve the other person’s problem(s) when what they need instead is for us to just listen to their feelings; or 2) If the message is about us, and we don’t like it, we feel the need to attack or defend ourselves. If, instead, we can just check in with ourselves to see how we are feeling, we’ll recognize that we don’t need to respond. We can listen with an intention of trying to understand their viewpoint even if we may not agree with it.

Create New Traditions

Even if you’re currently struggling, make this Valentine’s Day a day of peace where you’ve both decided not to talk about problems and instead start a new tradition, like the famous Christmas Truce of 1914 in WWI.

The Christmas Truce occurred spontaneously along certain sections of the Western Front, primarily between British and German troops, on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day of 1914. Despite being engaged in brutal trench warfare, soldiers from both sides ventured into no man's land, exchanged gifts such as food and cigarettes, sang carols, and even played football (soccer) matches.

So, like the warring factions in WWI, instead of dwelling on past disappointments or unresolved conflicts, embrace the opportunity to create new traditions that reflect your evolving relationship. Whether it's exchanging handwritten love letters, starting a gratitude journal together, or taking turns planning surprise date nights, find ways to infuse your relationship with positivity, joy, and appreciation. If people engaged in a brutal war can do it, so can you.

Remember That Love is a Journey

Above all, remember that love is a journey filled with ups and downs, twists and turns. While Valentine's Day may not magically solve all your relationship problems, it can serve as a meaningful reminder of the love and commitment that binds you together. Embrace the imperfections, celebrate the small victories, and trust in the power of love to transcend even the toughest challenges.

This Valentine's Day, let go of unrealistic expectations and embrace the opportunity to reconnect, rediscover, and reaffirm your love for each other. By approaching the day with intention, compassion, and a willingness to grow together, you can lay the groundwork for a stronger, more resilient relationship built on a foundation of trust, understanding, and mutual respect.

Seek Professional Support

If you're struggling to navigate relationship issues on your own, don't hesitate to seek professional support from a couples therapist or counselor whether’s it’s with me or another therapist. There’s no need to suffer alone.

Valentine's Day can be an ideal time to prioritize your relationship's well-being and commit to working through your challenges together with the guidance of a trained professional.

If you want to work with me, Request a Consultation below and select a date and time that works for you. I love working with couples and want to support you any way that I can.

Darrin Pfannenstiel is an attorney-turned-therapist serving men, women, and couples in the Dallas area at his practice called Eros Counseling —  www.eroscounseling.com.

He has practiced Buddhist meditation and mindfulness for over 25 years — having formerly taught meditation at a Buddhist center when he lived in Austin. He specializes in working with both individuals and couples.

Darrin helps clients gain insights into their inner strengths so they can learn how make their own positive changes in their lives.

He is also a Certified Sex Therapist (CST), and is trained in The Gottman Method for couples counseling.

As a writer, Darrin aims to share practical strategies and insights to help readers improve their mental health and live a fulfilling life.

Darrin can be reached at hello@eroscounseling.com or by phone at 214-971-0067.